Those who know me well, which I guess is most of you, know that when it comes to school breaks, I tend to start a countdown til they're over as soon as my children walk through the door. I know, I know. It's horrible! How could a mother not want to be with her children??? They say, "I treasure the time I have with them. I Love being with them! I'd actually like to homeschool them so I can be with them 24/7!" To that I say, really? 24/7? Haven't you ever heard, "absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Let's just say my heart has grown VERY fond of my children... when they're not home on a school break!
In all seriousness, I love my children sooo deeply it hurts. The thought of anything hurting them sucks the very breath out of my lungs. I can't watch a movie or read a book that has any reference to a child being hurt without inserting one of my own kids into the story line. It's impossible. See? I do love them! Many of you have asked if I'm nervous about my upcoming surgeries or did I ever question if this was the right thing for me to do. To be honest, no. I fear not for my self. I believe God will take care of me, whether it's successful or something could go wrong. Until now. However, as I hit the 2 week countdown, I'm finding myself apprehensive, not for myself, but for Steve, the kids, and my siblings. I mean, seriously. How would they ever cope without me??? I don't mean to brag, but I am truly the center of their world! Without me they're like Reeses peanut butter cups without chocolate! They're like cars without gasoline! They're like, gasp, Downton Abbey without the Crowley's!!! (I can see them all rolling their eyes now.)
Thankfully, my family knows I'm not so vain (at least I hope they do) to think I'm truly the center of their worlds. But, I know that what happens to me effects them deeply. So, now you see why I'm starting to feel some anxiousness. I've allowed my mind to wander to 'what if's' and I feel that air being sucked out of me. I think about my kids struggling without a mom. I think about Steve... blinded by grief so deeply, he can't go on... his life is over... he would wear black for at least 5 years... he would never think of remarrying unless it's been 10 years and even then he'd only marry someone ugly and dull so as not to diminish my memory... at least that's the way I think it should be. (Are you with me gals?)
However, there is one thing I know that is true. I'm a child of God. He made me, loves me, and knows how many hairs are on my head - and Gia's. He knows when I rise and when I lie down. When my mom had surgery to remove her gallbladder and the surgeon found cancer on her liver, my sister and I were charged with the task of telling her. This was one of the hardest things she and I have ever had to do. But do you know what the first words were out of her mouth?
"This does not change the number of days God has ordained for my life."
Wow. In the very moment I felt my life crashing down around me, those words brought great comfort to me. How true. Nothing had changed. This was God's plan. I know many of you think how cruel a God is for allowing a woman to suffer like this. How cruel He allows pain and suffering to happen to those who have done nothing to deserve it. I mean, look at Sandy Hook and those precious children? Gone! What did they do to deserve this?!? The answer... I don't know. I do know that my God did not cause this. He is a loving God who weeps with those who weep. He mourns with those who mourn and comforts the brokenhearted. Nothing changed that day. The number of those children's days upon the earth did not change. I believe the Lord does use this to draw us to Him. Because of this, I take comfort. I know that should anything happen to me during the surgeries, on the way to the hospital (even though it's only 3 blocks away), driving in my car the day before, or if another stinking tree falls on me, nothing has changed. God is still the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and He will comfort those who love me most. He will be a mother to my children. He will fill the void in my husband's life so he doesn't turn to the ugly and dull woman too soon. He will comfort my siblings and be their strength. He will be there for you as well.
Please know that if anything does happen that doesn't fit the plan we have for my life, it has not changed the plan He has for my life and He will be there to comfort you whether I'm gone or here... you may want more if I'm still around. ;-) I love you all so much! And while I believe things will still be successful, I want you to know the truths I hold onto. I love my friends, family, children, and husband so deeply it hurts. But even though it's hard to understand, I love my Lord even more and have faith that "...all things will work together for good for those who Love God and those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
So with that, I close. I also ask that you will remember my requests should I go... Steve cannot get married until a proper 10 year mourning period is over and then she must be ugly and dull.*
*Disclaimer: the author of this wishes those of you who may take this too seriously to know she's only kidding (sorta) and only wishes the deepest happiness to her most incredible, wonderful, giving, handsome husband. Also, the author cannot help dealing with uncomfortable situations through humor, whether deemed appropriate or not, and begs forgiveness for offending, even though it's her life and she thinks you should lighten up.